October 14, 2017: “The day began at 5:45. Coffee in cup, snuggled in my prayer chair, the theology search- and- rescue began. Can I rescue myself, even if it is with God’s Word? I don’t stop searching, studying, spinning, until 9:15. The answer is “no.”
Why is God’s Word, church, books, books on tape, Bible study– everything that my life revolves around– a trigger for me? My mind reels in pain and confusion where it was once so comfortable.
Comfort… maybe that is something to learn from here. My Bible study has often been for personal gain: control of knowledge… pride, self-proclaimed wisdom. This is not always the case, but often my seeking has been for mere answers rather than Christ, and I was comfortable there. Now I am seeking Christ for comfort. Not having the answers,not being in control, is painful, but at least the motive is right. My church activities and relationships have far too long been about what I could gain, how they could fill me, how I could be who they want me to be, or even how I could control them.
Now I hold on to their prayers by my fingernails, thanking God for His provision of them. Perhaps His changing my focus and motives is part of His sanctification? Yes. And today I need a simple reminder in the midst of the mounding fear from a reeling, unsettled mind… Abide.